Dysregulated & Dangerous

Dear Dr Justin,

I have a friend who has a troubled son that she has struggled to manage all of his life. He’s 16. One of 3 siblings. Refuses to go to school. Regular tantrums when he doesn’t get his way (yes, they are still happening as he moves into his teenage years).

The tantrums could be for anything from being asked to come inside at the end of a day to not getting ready for school to recently punching his brother because he was asked to come home from an event.

I’ve watched the family bend to his will – all the children have to go to bed at the same time (when he was 7, his older sister, who was 12, would have to be in bed at the same time). He always has a friend to travel with them on family holidays, so he doesn’t become bored and destructive. And he does nothing at home.

I worry that this troubling behaviour and my friends’ inability to get on top of it, are only going to get worse as he moves towards adulthood.

She is at her wits end, and I’m heartbroken watching her try and fail.

Any suggestions?
Anna in Sydney

PS: Not sure if it’s relevant, but my friend divorced her ex when the boy was a baby but has been with her new husband since he was about four.

Parenting, as we all know, can be a challenge, even in the best of circumstances. But when you’re dealing with a child who seems to thrive on defiance, self-centeredness, and chaos, it’s like navigating a minefield blindfolded. Your friend has undoubtedly been on a marathon of a journey already, and with this troubled boy just a few short years away from adulthood, the path ahead looks more like scaling a mountain in a hurricane.

The strain of managing a child who resists authority, prioritises their own desires above all else, and leaves chaos in their wake can test even the strongest bonds. It’s understandable that your friend might feel like she’s reached her breaking point. But despite the challenges looming ahead, it’s crucial to remember that there’s still time to turn things around before this boy steps into the world as a fully independent man. The toothpaste isn’t all out of the tube yet.

For clarity, hitting siblings, refusing to go to school, and demanding friends be invited on family trips all need addressing. But this is deeper than the behaviours that have been listed. This is about a boy’s fundamental orientation to life. He’s lashing out and seems to have done so for a long time. He’s unwilling to contribute in the home. And it seems like there’s an element of indulgence with limited accountability and responsibility.

We’re never going to resolve everything in an online Q&A, but there are a few things we can do to improve the situation.

First things first: kids need an authority figure in their lives. Limits, boundaries, structures, frameworks, or systems – call them what you like. Someone has to be involved in helping a child understand how the world works.

There are three central challenges to overcome here in relation to limits and authority.

First, step-parents often face a tough gig when it comes to laying down the law. Even if they’ve been in the picture for ages, teens can hit back with the classic line, “You’re not my real parent, so why should I listen?”. While I’d question the premise, the reality is that step-parent intervention can ignite firestorms.

Second, a lot of people will assume that discipline means we need to come down hard, read the kid the riot act, and tell him to shape up or ship out. But that won’t help. Why? Rules without rapport? A recipe for revolt. Plus, he’s almost an adult. And he’s shown he’s willing to throw his weight around. We’re trying to minimise, not exacerbate, tension.

Third, turning the tide on longstanding issues isn’t a quick fix. It’s like shedding weight gained over years—you don’t drop it all after one gym session. It takes a sustained, hard-core effort to build positive change. And with these challenges deeply rooted over time, the climb just got steeper.

On top of the question of setting limits, there are developmental realities to face. Adolescence is a wild ride, especially for boys. Testosterone’s on the rise, cranking up aggression, while empathy takes a backseat. Plus, at this age, it’s all about instant gratification. Long-term goals? Forget about it. Asking a 16-year-old to think ahead? Good luck with that—it’s like brushing your teeth while you’re munching on Toblerone.

As I weigh these questions, I can’t help but see a troubled teenage boy facing tough times ahead, and it hits close to home. If I’m being real, I see shades of my own teenage self—too quick to anger, too rebellious. I had a lot of attitude, wagged school, and felt like I was owed “the world”. It makes me tremendously regretful, but it also offers hope.

Trying to beat entitlement out of a kid doesn’t work. Cracking down only fuels their resentment and ramps up tensions. The old-school “eye for an eye” tactic? Useless. Teens are in their own world, blind to their actions’ impact. They’ve got reasons for everything they do, and when we mirror their behaviour, they play the victim card. They just can’t see where we’re coming from or why we’re reacting the way we are.

So, what’s the game plan here?

Grant him some autonomy.

This kid is on the brink of adulthood, itching to spread his wings. But with freedom comes responsibility. This is how I’d tackle it:

First things first, round up both sets of parents, and lay out some snacks—food always eases the tension. (If both sets of parents can’t be in on this, you’ll need to go it alone, but unified is better than solo where possible.)

The dialogue goes like this:

Explain: There’s been some tension brewing, and it’s time to address it.
Explore: Instead of laying down the law, let’s hear him out. We’re here to back him up, believe in him, and understand what he wants. Dive deep. Keep asking questions.
Listen: No objections, eye rolls, or complaints—just soak it in).
Explore more: Make sure you’re on the same page. Ask questions.
Keep exploring: Don’t rush it. Keep digging with the golden question: “Is there anything else?”

If he pitches ideas that won’t fly, don’t shut him down right away. Lay out what you can get behind, what you can’t, and why. Then offer another shot at other options and ideas.

The aim here is to guide him towards a future plan while offering support along the way. Finishing school is non-negotiable—research backs its importance in life success.

Here’s what your son needs to know on this topic: If you’re a guy who is taking on the world with nothing more than a high school certificate, you’re potentially leaving a lot of money on the table compared to your peers who went the extra mile to earn a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree, or a doctorate. In a report to the Australian Parliament Senate Estimates Committee, Matthias Sinning, a researcher at the University of Queensland, showed that if you compare the lifetime earnings of men who obtained a bachelor’s degree, you’re looking at a solid 50% more in your pocket than those without that degree. This isn’t chump change.

In a basic analysis comparing the average lifetime earnings of a high school-qualified man against a university-qualified man, the Sydney Morning Herald reports a bonus of $1.1million across the lifespan. Retirement is richer too, with the extra $110-120k plus compounding, which could mean around an extra $200,000 to retire on. Those with degrees do better in economic downturns and are less likely to have periods of unemployment relative to those without.

You boost your bonus even more with a postgraduate degree (Masters or Doctorate). Sinning’s report indicated higher qualifications bump incomes up about 75 percent over men with Year 12 completion only.

Money won’t make you happy. At least that’s what researchers (and philosophers) have been saying for decades. But it does buy a higher quality of life. And that getaway to Queenstown with the kids – or the special anniversary weekend in a Balinese bungalow on the beach – feels much better when it’s only a light financial stretch rather than a painful financial strain.

Anyway, back to the conversation with the young bloke. We also need to talk about pitching in at home and respecting relationships. These basics keep the household humming.

I’d push for two more things:

1. He needs to commit to either full-time work or full-time education.

2. And he’s got to start chipping in with paying some board.

Give him a heads-up, a few months to adjust, and then ramp things up. Some advanced warning around expectations, and then straight into it. Learning to handle finances is all part of growing up and owning his path.

As much as you’re in his corner, he needs to understand the stakes if he veers off course. While we aim to steer clear of punishment, he’s got to know there are consequences for not sticking to the plan you’ve hashed out together. That might mean that he might have to couch-surf with mates until he pulls his head in and shows he’s willing to have a go.

The key thing here is that he knows this isn’t a punishment. You want to be all about emphasising that you care, and that you’re absolutely here for him. But with your continued support, it’s time for him to grow up.

Reading over the email makes me feel uncomfortable with the way he seems to have been indulged over the years. Holidays with friends. Everyone has to go to bed when he does. Regular tantrums. I’m not keen on hashing out past indulgences—it’s unlikely to lead anywhere productive. Let’s focus on what really matters: the big-ticket items.

If he’s still throwing tantrums and making life difficult, you’ve got a couple of choices:

Option one: Tough it out until he flies the coop. He probably won’t stick around once he’s old enough to spread his wings, especially if you give him a gentle nudge when he hits 18 and finishes school. Sometimes, life’s best lessons come the hard way.

Option two: Suggest counselling. Based on what you’ve said, I don’t think he’ll be open to it. The hardest thing to open is a closed mind.

Option three: You push back and make it clear that there are distinct requirements that he follows, or he finds another place to live. He’ll always be welcome back if he can play by the rules. You love him. But there are five other people in the house who have needs as well.

Here’s the thing: most kids come good towards the end of their adolescent years.

Spend time laying out a series of expectations where he is taking the wheel. Step in and take over if and when you need to. He needs to experience some authority in his life, and realistically, he needs to be man enough to hear and understand “no”. And reassure him of your support and love for him through the process.

There are no easy answers. He’s not going to love what he’s been told. That’s why his voice in this process matters so much.

In his groundbreaking book, Of Boys and Men, author Richard Reeves describes the idea of “surplus value”. The short version: a boy becomes a man when he provides greater value than he consumes.

If that’s what it means to “man up”, it’s time this boy became a man – and that’s how he’ll do it.