Nurturing Intimacy: Secrets to Sustaining Strong Sexual Connection
“Is it just me? Or am I the only one who has zero interest in being intimate with my partner?”
We asked this question on social media recently. The response was big. Exhaustion, screen addiction, one partner not pulling their weight and leaving the other to carry the mental/physical/emotional load of the family and household, perimenopause, a lack of time, and more!
Anna C
I’m studying nursing full time, working anywhere from part time to full time as a student nurse, have 4 kids (17, 15, 10), husband has depression and severe anxiety and doesn’t ever ask for it and I have had next to no drive since baby #3, 15 years ago. I feel so abnormal both for not wanting it and because I don’t have a husband who begs for it. When we do find the energy, time, motivation etc to have it, we have amazing, mind-blowing sex so it isn’t a quality issue. I guess we just don’t prioritise it. We’re both way too addicted to screen time/gaming as well which doesn’t help. Definitely makes me feel like I’m failing at another part of life though. This person is definitely not alone!
Charlotte S
Hot take: if the male partner in a heterosexual relationship is actually pulling his weight post kids… he's going to feel exactly as tired and disinterested as mothers do
Lindita G
It could be for the following reasons:
-We just went through a pandemic and fear of WWIII.
-Also, global economic crises have increased inflation and created more stress in couples.
=Pornography addiction for some men which creates contempt and resentment from their wives for having to have them as their partner.
-Screen addiction which creates mental overload on top of the most overloaded generation.
-Raising children without a village (the nuclear family) which is a deviation from how humans were raised in the past.
All the above can impact mental health ( we are more aware globally than ever, as just think of the tragedy that is unfolding in Gaza that we witness daily via social media ). This societal trauma has its effects to different degrees to different people.
-Finally, men’s impotence (be that on a biological or mental basis) which doesn’t seem mentioned enough, it’s time to deal with it like with any other disease. Impotence in young men has skyrocketed in the last few years (we’re talking up to 25 years old), what about 40+, married with kids and stressed-out men?
There were a couple of commenters who couldn’t quite relate:
Apolonia M
My husband just looks at me and I want to jump his bones, so I can't relate. Five children aging from 15 yrs to 15 months and we run a business full-time.
Vanessa F
I might be weird, but I can’t relate this at all.
And then there were those who … well…
Jase L
Reading a lot of the comments from women that complain about housework, stress, being tired, the man not being a mind reader etc etc, it’s all just cop outs. You need to start looking for the reasons why it should be happening. Not justifying the reasons it’s not. Look after him ladies, or you’ll kill your marriage. It’s that simple!
Along with some light-hearted suggestions for creating some space for intimacy:
Taneile H
I reckon a solid "could you leave us alone, your father/mother/etc and I are trying to have sex" should make the teens scarce for a while!
According to Emily Nagoski, author of the world-changing, revolutionary, mind-blowing book (can you tell I love it?) “Come as You Are,” there are three key ingredients that keep couples going strong in the bedroom.
First, at the heart of enduring connections lies friendship—more precisely, mutual trust and admiration. Couples who cultivate a deep bond grounded in friendship lay a sturdy foundation for their relationship’s longevity. It’s not all about grand gestures and passionate encounters. Because when your significant other is a friend first, everything else just falls into place.
In other words – you really do need to like each other. Simmering resentment and frustration is a poor aphrodisiac. But when you see one another as partners in life and love, it’s easier to have a fulfilling sexual relationship.
Next on the list: prioritising sex. I know life gets busy, and the laundry pile easily takes over your dining table, but making time for intimacy is crucial. It’s deciding that your connection matters and showing up for each other, even when Netflix is calling your name.
Last, Nagoski says forget what everyone else says about how you should do things in the bedroom. It’s about you and your partner. Not your girlfriend. Not the explicit content you caught a glimpse of. Just you two.
I’ll leave you with my two golden rules – specifically for men:
- Once things are humming, slow right down, and
- Remember, it’s not all about you.
Because, men, when you focus on your partner’s needs and take your time, the magic happens.
Listen to episode #981 of the Happy Families podcast to hear more (link below).
Additional reading:
She Comes First by Ian Kerner | The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski | The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
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