Are Winners Grinners?
I’m an outdoor, active kind of guy. Board games – not my thing. However, recently, I’ve succumbed to the pressure my kids have placed on me. I’m playing board games and card games. Reluctantly. But as a parenting expert, I feel it’s something I have to do. Quality time and all that.
And it’s been fun. I’ve especially enjoyed destroying everyone in Monopoly, and I’ve had strong wins in chess against my nine-year-old daughter. (Hey, if I’m playing, I’m playing to win. No mercy. Besides, she was in a chess club for a while. She’s got some moves!)
This raises an important question, though.
How should we approach competition, particularly with our children? Is it wrong to consistently beat my daughter at games? Am I demoralising her, or is it motivating because she knows if and when she finally beats me, the win was deserved and legitimate?
My dad never let me have an easy win. Being involved with him and having the time well spent was enough reward to keep me coming back for another flogging. And it felt like a genuine victory when I finally won against him.
There are no scientific studies on this. I’m not convinced any particular theory points us to clear answers either. Here are my best guesses on how to deal with competition and kids:
- Competition means we focus on outcomes—winning and losing. Too strong an emphasis on those outcomes can impact identity. “I always lose. I’m no good.” I’m unconvinced that it builds resilience unless:
- We emphasise relationships and competence-building/mastery. If I’m playing the game or competing so I can learn skills and spend time with people that matter, the outcome is secondary. Thus, a win or loss matters minutely.
When these priorities are appropriately ordered, kids will be fine no matter what the score. When winning is all that counts, relationships suffer. And losing the game will result in lost motivation (due to a lack of mastery and growth).
Progress and time together are why we play games. It’s not to win.
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