Being on the Outer

Dear Dr. Justin,

I recently hosted a birthday party for my 13-year-old stepdaughter in my home. She invited three friends. It became apparent to me as the weekend progressed that she was on the outer of this group. She seemed to have no input or influence. Her suggestions were disregarded (e.g., what movie to watch, what shops to go to). There was some teasing—not excessive, but it hurt her. Physically, I could visibly see the disconnection as the other friends sat and slept together, wrestled with each other, hugged, laughed, and shared. The group dynamic became painful for my stepdaughter, and she was upset. 

How do we help her move from the outer of her friendship group to Inner Circle? How involved should parents get, and how do we become involved?

I’m also wondering if we need to reverse a decision we made about keeping her off Snapchat. It is a social tool this group uses to communicate daily. 

Would appreciate your thoughts, as we are all feeling a bit deflated after what should have been a very positive weekend.

Thank you! 

Let’s start with sleepovers

Sleepovers, once a rite of passage for kids, are on the nose for today’s parents. Putting aside the very real risk of harm, the possibility of exposure to explicit content on screens, and the chance that kids will explore risky behaviours, the friendship challenges that can arise are troubling. Loads of sugar, minimal parental supervision, and a very late night can combine to create heightened emotions and fatigue, and relationships become a little more fragile. (Not much good happens after midnight for kids at that age—or perhaps any age?)

I’m still a fan of sleepovers, but at the right time with the right dynamic. The foundation of fun slumber parties has to be strong relationships, small numbers, clear boundaries, and a reasonable level of parental supervision until sleep finally overcomes those kids. Even with these minimal agreements, sleepovers can still be challenging for kids to navigate.

Snapchat is the next thing to look at in isolation.

The influence of social media adds another layer to adolescent friendships. Its introduction might not resolve underlying friendship issues but could amplify existing disparities. But… opportunities for connection matter. And relationships may improve if we establish clear boundaries for safe, healthy social media use. Those boundaries might include parental oversight and checks, only friending people who are “well-known” to your child, appropriate limits on how long the device can be used, as well as when and where.

Consider: Does your daughter want Snapchat in pursuit of positivity or as a reaction to fear of exclusion?

Navigating the digital landscape requires understanding the motivations behind social media usage. If it’s a tool for positive interactions and connections, it might have its merits. However, if its adoption stems from a fear of exclusion or social pressures, it might exacerbate existing friendship challenges.

These boundaries should be discussed and explored with your child. Give clear rationales for your requests. Develop a follow-up plan if rules and limits are ignored. And wait as long as you can before saying “yes”, because once that toothpaste is out of the tube, it is not going back in.

Let’s talk friendships.

Developing individual connections outside of group settings is crucial. It allows teens, especially girls, to express themselves more authentically, building trust and confidence in relationships. Encouraging one-on-one interactions among friends can create a safe space for genuine communication. Often, within a larger group, individuals may feel inhibited and unable to express their true selves. These intimate settings allow for deeper connections, fostering an environment where they feel valued and understood. As relationships of trust are built one-on-one, group dynamics become easier because trust exists between individuals.

Don’t have large group gatherings and expect that strong relationships will be built. The best way to create healthy involvement in relationships is in small groups. 

Creating your own circle might be best.

Encouraging our children to focus on creating their own circles rather than seeking validation within established groups can empower them to prioritise authenticity and values. Empowering our teens to embrace their individuality and create their own social circles instills confidence. Rather than striving to fit into existing circles, encouraging them to seek connections based on shared values and mutual respect helps to form more genuine friendships.

As parents, it’s beneficial to understand our children’s social circles. Engaging with both the kids and their families can offer insight and foster a supportive environment.

Being involved in our children’s friendships doesn’t imply interference, but rather understanding and support. Building connections with other families and creating opportunities for joint activities can facilitate a sense of community among teens and reinforce positive social behaviours.