Inside the Brain of Your Teenage Boy

We received the following message from a struggling mum, Kate:

Hi Justin & Kylie,

We have a capable and strong 16-year-old boy. He helps people out a lot and gets a lot of validation from it. The flipside is that we can’t get him to help us 90% of the time. He’s particularly reluctant to help his dad. We are a hardworking family, and never would it be acceptable to refuse, point-blank, to chip in while growing up. I’m not talking slave labour. I’m talking about helping bring up groceries or unload the car after a Bunnings trip. He gets plenty of downtime, so he isn’t overloaded by requests for help. Surely we can’t be the only family battling this. Advice would be wonderful.

Kate

My initial response to a question like this is almost a glib dismissal. “Welcome to parenting teens!” Kylie and I have raised six daughters who have gone through periods where they’ve responded the same way. 

And I remember Mum asking me to hang some washing when I was around that age, and I angrily retorted, “Don’t you know I’ve got a life?” This, to a woman raising her own six kids, running three businesses, serving actively in church and community, and who knows what else. 

So what’s going on here? Because, Kate, you’re not the only one battling this.

First things first, we need to tackle some developmental realities.

Teenagers, like toddlers, are wildly egocentric. They actually think everyone is thinking about them, talking about them, and wanting for them what they want for themselves. It boggles their mind when we ask them to do something inconsistent with their preferences. 

And there’s an issue with boys and empathy. It drops. Fast. While girls experience a steady upward trajectory of both cognitive empathy (“I get you how you feel”) and affective empathy (“I feel how you feel”), boys go the other way. It seems to bounce back in a slow-mo kind of way from around 16. 

But in this situation, it doesn’t feel like empathy. He’s helpful to others. Sounds like a great kid, generally. 

There’s a second issue (related to the first).

There’s an MMA fight going on in almost every teen boy’s brain. A battle between empathy and entitlement. And right now, entitlement has empathy on the mat, pounding it hard. Entitlement is winning. This results in an intoxicating mix of power and privilege. 

This happens at every age, but it’s the most challenging at this age. Sixteen-year-old boys are big like men now. Their man-child responses feel much more concerning. But pushing back, saying “no”, and pleasing themselves serves up the brain hormone equivalent of a short-term hit of all the stuff teenagers are taught to stay away from. It feels so good.

It won’t last. A small part of your son will be disgusted at himself for being so unwilling to contribute. But for many of our kids, it won’t be enough to make them change. 

There could be a third consideration. It might be a correction or direction issue. When our kids are young, we shower attention all over them. The connection bucket is big enough for multiple daily soaks. As they get older, there isn’t as much water in that bucket. By the time they’re teens, the balance has shifted. I can’t tell you how often teens complain that when it comes to their parents, “all they ever do is tell me to do stuff, and it’s stuff they’re capable of doing. Why am I their slave?” (Ignore their enormous lack of perspective for a moment and stay with me here.)

This question boils down to one thing: how do I encourage less leeching and more willing contribution in my teen?

First, get water into that relationship bucket.

Teens want time with us. It’s preferable for them if it’s on their terms, not ours. But there’s no doubt that this is what they want. Recent research from ACT for Kids revealed that the overwhelming majority of teens want their parents more (yep, MORE) involved in their lives. My sense is that it’s not so they can be told, once more, what to do and how to do it.

This means more involvement. It means more time in connection so your kids feel seen, heard, and valued.

It does not mean pandering or sucking up. Nor does it mean giving teens a leave pass. It’s about quality time. Walks. Games. Sports. Conversations. Meals. Quiet moments on the end of the bed. Drives together. 

And real connection.

If connection has been lacking for a while, don’t expect that your first attempts will bear bountiful fruit. They won’t. Connection is like a muscle. If you don’t use it, the first few trips back to the gym can be strenuous and sometimes send you backward rather than forward with progress.

Second, we get into a real conversation with our teen about rights, responsibilities, and roles. 

With consideration and gentleness—because force creates resistance—ask him what a ‘right’ is. (It’s a moral or legal entitlement.) Ask him what he’s entitled to—what his rights are as someone living in your home. And then swing the question around. What rights are yours in your home?

Then ask what a responsibility is. (It’s having a duty to deal with something or having control over someone.) Ask about the different responsibilities he and you have.

This can become legalistic and challenging. Discussions about bedrooms, dinners, rubbish runs, and more can take you sideways. Stay focused on the principle so you can move to a resolution. 

Here’s the tricky part:

As a 16-year-old, he doesn’t have a duty to deal with the stuff you ask him to do. He’s not responsible for bringing in the groceries from the car. And you don’t have the moral entitlement to require it of him. (At least, I’d argue you don’t.)

The reason it’s tricky is because now we’re talking about contribution. This is the voluntary commitment we make because we are strong enough to make it and care enough to realise it will make a difference.

I’m wanting to know: what contribution will he make? And how? And when?

There’s a possibility that he’s tired or engaged in something else when we’re asking him to do things. Tap into the good kid he is, understand where he is, and invite him to live up to the highest version of himself.

And when something seriously has to be done, stand in front of him, make eye contact, and make the demand. 

Remember, the best discipline is not about reading the riot act. It’s not about punishment and consequences. Truth be told, it’s not even about rights, roles, and responsibilities. The best discipline is about problem-solving. This process should help.