Talking to Your Kids About a Suicide
Nobody wants to talk about a suicide, especially with their children. It’s one of the toughest conversations there is. But sometimes it’s unavoidable. And it’s always important
The closer your child is to the person who has died, the more challenging the discussion will be. There’s more emotion. But even at a distance, this conversation is hard.
The recent loss of my nephew, Logan, aged just 20 means we have had to have this talk. Multiple times.
If you find yourself needing to discuss suicide with your children, these principles will help:
Be simple, clear, and direct
Talking openly about suicide dispels misinformation, reduces stigma, and creates a safe space for understanding. For example, when we received news of Logan’s death we spoke individually with each of our children and said something to the effect of:
“We just received a really awful phone call. Your cousin, Logan, died last night.” (We waited for a response).
“You probably want to know how that could have happened?” (We waited for a response).
“He died by suicide.”
With young children, you might also need to ask them if they know what suicide means. In which case, simply state that suicide is when someone makes a very sad choice to end their own life.
Be supportive
Some of our children burst into tears. Others stared numbly at the wall. Sometimes they were quiet. Other times they started asking questions. All responses are ok in this situation.
By sitting in quiet support, we foster an atmosphere where children feel safe discussing their emotions and uncertainties.
Emotions change rapidly in the days following the death of a loved one, particularly when by suicide. The likelihood of both challenging behaviour and emotional and physical withdrawal increases as your child grieves. Kids will fight and be moody. Appetite might drop. Be patient and compassionate.
Be Honest
When our 9-year-old asked “how” Logan died, we chose honesty.
Remember though, that you can answer questions in a developmentally appropriate manner. You’ll say much less (and in far more general terms) to your 5-year-old than your 15-year-old.
Using age-appropriate language, we can gently introduce the concepts of death, depression, suicide, and other terms as necessary.
If your child asks how your loved one ended their life, tell them honestly but with as few details as possible. Answer any questions that they might have, but do not give them any information they haven’t specifically asked for.
Apply the principle of the firehose
When someone asks for water we don’t turn the firehose on them. We give them a cup of water, and once it’s empty we ask if they’d like a refill.
Managing the delicate balance of providing information without overwhelming children is key. A good way to do this is to provide them with some initial information and wait a while.
Each day for a couple of weeks we would check in periodically and ask, “How are you feeling about things at the moment?” Or “Do you have any questions about Logan just now?” Fostering an environment where questions are encouraged over an extended period of time helps here.
Remove suicide as an option
Your kids must know they can talk about the topic of suicide. They can discuss the life (and death) of their loved one who has passed through suicide. But be clear with them that regardless of how hard life becomes, suicide is not an option. We want our children – old and young – to know that there is a way through every challenge.
Encourage discretion
Kids talk. Encourage discretion. It’s best that they don’t talk about the suicide with peers (particularly when they’re young).
Because they are likely to bring it up with some of their friends (or they may have friends who ask), they should know that speaking about how the suicide occurred or where it occurred is generally unhelpful. It’s better to acknowledge the death of their loved one and focus on grief and recovery.
The most important thing: they can talk to you about anything at any time.
Want more?
The Happy Families Podcast
Episode #889 | Talking to Your Kids About Suicide
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