Calming a Child in Crisis

The scream was coming from the bedroom. One of my daughters. Racked with anguish. An awful, heart-rending scream. Followed by another. And another. And then several more.

I heard the first scream and paused. What was that? But as they continued, I knew this wasn’t play – and not a stubbed toe or jammed finger. This was soul-crushing sadness. 

I found her, alone, her body convulsing with sobs and then more screams. 

What do you do when your child is so distressed she can’t even register that you’re there?

I tried to hold her. She shook my hand off.

As she lay on the floor – and screamed again – I began to sing. A lullaby I had sung to her every night for the first 8 years of her life as I put her to bed. A song that said: “You are seen. You are known. You are loved.”

And something happened. 

Her screams stopped. Her breathing slowed. Her body softened. She lay quietly as sang and stroked her back. And then I sang another. And another. And another.

When our children have big emotions – and this wasn’t like anything I’d ever seen before – our job is not to do therapy. We don’t have to stop it, unpack it, or even understand it. We don’t need to “fix” it. At least, not in the moment. We just have to help them navigate it safely. They need to know we’re there for them.

A gentle touch. A compassionate observation: “Seems like you’re having a rough day.” Or, a walk, a bath… or, if the moment calls for it, a song.

Once our child is calm, they solve their problems themselves. We support. We guide. But they can figure it out. 

You don’t think straight in a high emotion state. 

Our job – again – is NOT to fix. It’s to help our kids regulate. Then, and only then, can they solve problems and face challenges with courage and clarity.