When Trust Breaks: Talking to Kids After a Teacher is Charged

When I was a boy – around 12 – my dad asked me a question. He was really weird about it. Jumpy. Antsy. Uncomfortable.

“Justin”, he asked. “Has anyone ever touched you in a way that’s wrong? That’s made you uncomfortable?”

I looked at him weirdly and responded with an honest “No”. And then I asked “why?”

Dad checked with me three more times. “Are you sure?” “Are you really sure?” “No one? Ever? Nothing at all?”

Once I confirmed that nothing had ever happened to me, that I didn’t know anyone who it had happened to, and that I promised to tell him if anyone ever tried “anything that’s wrong like that”, the conversation was over.

And then he let it go. Stopped talking about it completely.

It wasn’t until years later than I discovered that my Cub/Scout leader was alleged to have abused several boys in my Scout troop. He was charged and imprisoned, and I’m grateful to say that he’s now dead.

But… my dad… as much as I love him, he did a lousy job of talking to me about what was going on.

Which brings me to 2026.

Yesterday, a Sydney teacher was arrested on charges so disturbing that I don’t want to talk about it, write about it, or think about it. And I was going to ignore it… but a mum reached out for help so here we are. 

Her son’s teacher is the guy: Peter James Adam… being charged with plotting to drug and sexually assault children.

It makes me so angry. So sad. And if your child goes to the school at which he teaches (and even if your child doesn’t), you’re probably feeling sick. And angrier than me. 

On top of that, the author of Jasper Jones and Runt, Craig Silvey, is facing charges related to child exploitation material. (He’s a new dad, and is said to be “not cooperating” with police.)

You hear these stories and start questioning everything. If you’re like me, you kind of want to lock your kids away and stop them from being near anyone. Period. 

These stories highlights a massive breach of trust – and there’s no easy way through it.

But you still need to make sense of it, make decisions, and figure out a way forward. 

And… sometimes your kids will want to know what’s going on because they’ve seen it on the news or worse: IT’S THEIR TEACHER!!! So let’s talk about how to do that.

For Families Directly Affected

Your kids need two things from you right now:

First, they need honesty appropriate to their age. You don’t need to share graphic details, but you do need to acknowledge what’s happened. Something like:

“You know Mr Adam, your teacher from last year? Police have arrested him because they think he was planning to hurt children. This is really serious and really scary, and the police are making sure he can’t be around kids anymore. The school is working to keep everyone safe.”

Then stop. Let them lead with questions. Answer what they ask, not what you’re afraid they’re thinking.

If you have concerns for their safety, ask if anyone has ever hurt them, been unsafe with them, or treated them inappropriately. If they say yes, stay calm, gather information, write everything down, and if there is any evidence, get hold of it. Then go to the authorities.

Second – and this is more important – they need to see you handle this breach of trust as an adult.

Your children are watching how you process this. If they see you trust no one, they’ll learn the world is unsafe. If they see you pretend everything’s fine, they’ll learn their instincts can’t be trusted.

What they need to see is this: 

“Something terrible happened. We’re angry and sad. We’re asking hard questions. We’re making sure the people responsible for safety do better. And we’re going to get through this together.”

That’s resilience. That’s what protects them long-term.

The Conversation We Need to Have With All Our Kids

Whether you’re affected directly or you simply want to protect your kids generally, this following conversation is for you. And I want to say this first bit clearly: 

IT SHOULD NEVER BE OUR CHILDREN’S JOB TO PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM PREDATORY ADULTS.

Yes, we teach body safety. Yes, we teach consent. And we have to, because there really are people out there with horrific motives. But a child shouldn’t have to outsmart a 63-year-old man in a position of power and trust. That’s a catastrophic failure of adult systems.

The real work is demanding better from the institutions – and the adults – we trust with our children.

What Kids Actually Need to Know

Forget “stranger danger.” Most abuse happens from people kids know and trust.

Instead, teach this:

Healthy relationships with adults are NEVER based on secrets.

Not “stranger danger.” Not even “good touch, bad touch” as a starting point. Yes these can be useful themes. But kids need to get THIS: 

Any adult who asks you to keep secrets about your interactions is breaking trust, not building it.

Here’s the difference:

• Privacy is about respect and dignity. It’s normal and healthy. (Like closing the bathroom door, or not sharing someone’s medical information.)
• Secrets about relationships, interactions, or what adults do with children are different. They protect the powerful, not the vulnerable.

Try this language with your kids:

“In our family, we don’t keep secrets about relationships. If any adult – a teacher, a coach, a family friend, anyone – asks you to keep something secret about your time together, that’s a sign something’s wrong. Come tell me straight away. You won’t be in trouble. Ever.”

Then add this crucial piece:

“Even if it feels like you’re breaking a promise. Even if they’re someone we all like. Even if you’re worried about getting them in trouble. If an adult asks you to keep secrets about what happens between you, that’s not okay.”

This won’t guarantee our children’s safety. Nothing can. Sorry. Hate to say that.

But it gives them language for something that feels wrong, and it opens the door for them to come to us when they need to. That’s about all we can do as parents – create the conditions where our kids know they can tell us anything, and then trust that we’ve built enough connection that they will. (Oh yeah, and demand better from the institutions and adults we entrust with the care of our children… but that’s another post for another day.)

To the mum who wrote to me: I’m thinking of you and your son. You’re asking the right questions. You’re being the parent he needs. That matters more than you know.

If you’re affected by these issues, support is available:

• 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service
• Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) – For children and young people aged 5-25